


TWEETS

by DrFacilier



Series: Ayo, the pizza's here! [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Harley Keener is a Good Bro, Inspired by Twitter, M/M, Marvel Universe, Meme Lord Peter Parker, Meme Lord Shuri (Marvel), Memes, Multi, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Other, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Shuri Friendship, Peter Parker Has a Family, Peter Parker is a Good Bro, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Protective Harley Keener, Protective Ned Leeds, Protective Peter Parker, Protective Tony Stark, Sassy Peter, Social Media, Tony Stark Acting as Harley Keener's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is Good With Kids, Twitter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 1950-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-01-31 09:01:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 7,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21443635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrFacilier/pseuds/DrFacilier
Summary: -Marvel characters as tweets!-With like.. 2% of plot(it's mostly Tony, Peter, Ned, Harley & Shuri cuz imma succa for the Iron dad and iron kids energy hhhh)
Relationships: Cindy Moon & Peter Parker, Harley Keener & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Michelle Jones & Harley Keener & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker & Shuri, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Flash Thompson, Peter Parker & Morgan Stark (Marvel Cinematic Universe) & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Shuri, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Ayo, the pizza's here! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1545955
Comments: 61
Kudos: 345





	1. Chapter one.

Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

Followers: 261m

Following: 8  
\- PepperStark ✔  
\- StarkIndustries ✔  
\- ElonMusk ✔  
\- Bi-derman ✔  
\- ColRhodes ✔  
\- BestIntern ✔  
\- Potatoboi  
\- Gary

Blocked: 10  
\- CaptainAmerica ✔  
\- DonaldTrump ✔  
\- JHammer  
\- DailyBugle ✔  
\- BillNye ✔  
\- OSCORP ✔  
\- JimmyFallon ✔  
\- 💀💩L ✔  
\- WMaximoff  
\- Vanityfair ✔

Iron Man

\---

Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Followers: 119m

Following: 19  
\- NedLeeds  
\- YouknowwhoIam ✔  
\- MichelleJ  
\- BabeBrown  
\- Potatoboi  
\- BettyBrant  
\- FlashT  
\- PewDiePie ✔  
\- Fruitsallyyummyyummy  
\- Cindymooon  
\- PrincessAvocado ✔  
\- ElonMusk ✔  
\- Freememeshere ✔  
\- PepperStark ✔  
\- Lizard  
\- StarkIndustries ✔  
\- Bi-derman ✔  
\- ColRhodes ✔

Blocked: 2  
\- CaptainAmerica ✔  
\- LoganPaul ✔

Peter with a B

\----------------------------------------------------------

(2 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

So long suckers! I open up my ironman suit which creates a huge cloud of smoke. when the smoke clears i'm lying completely dead on the pavement

🔁 177m retweets ✅ 88m likes 

\----------------------------------------------------------

(6 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

One time in 5th grade this kid called me a homo and i thought it meant homeless and i was so confused and said "harry you've been to my apartment"

🔁 8m retweets ✅ 14m likes

↪

(6 hours ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds

Bro i remember this 😂

🔁 15k retweets ✅ 175k likes

\----------------------------------------------------------

(2 minutes ago)  
Spider-Man • Bi-derman ✔

@YouknowwhoIam Sorry m R sTanK I don't snnoke maRriage iguana! !

🔁 16m retweets ✅ 974k likes

\------------------------------------------------------

(6 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

@PewDiePie hey :) you're pretty smart right?

🔁 22k retweets ✅ 1.2m likes

↪

(6 hours ago)  
PewDiePie • PewDiePie ✔

@BestIntern don't wanna flex on y'all but on multiple occasions I have been called a big brain

🔁 2m retweets ✅ 754k likes

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

@PewDiePie do you think tarzan was a virgin before he met jane or do you think he was clapping gorilla cheeks?

🔁 64m retweets ✅ 475m likes

↪

** [BestIntern has been blocked by PewDiePie](https://youtu.be/WS_G5Ola8U0) **

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

@PewDiePie :(

🔁 26m retweets ✅ 752m likes

\----------------------------------------------------------

(2 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi

I've been alive for 18 years and I still don't know the right thing to say when someone knocks on the door of the public bathroom you're in

🔁 643k retweets ✅ 982k likes

↪

(2 hours ago)  
Shuri • PrincessAvocado ✔

I said "come in" one time and the girl went "WHAT"

🔁 3m retweets ✅ 7.5m likes

↪

(2 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

@Potatoboi @PrincessAvocado  
Wtf 😂😂

🔁 25k retweets ✅ 27k likes

\----------------------------------------------------------

(56 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

I still don't know how to spell spagetti without autocorrect

🔁 245k retweets ✅ 527k likes

↪

(54 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

You forgot the h

🔁 22m retweets ✅ 641m likes

↪

(55 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

H!??!?

🔁 2m retweets ✅ 941k likes

\----------------------------------------------------------

(39 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

Watching a film with Morgan rn.  
But imagine being one of the kids at the orphanage Stuart little was in and the parents pick a fucking rat over you

🔁 168m retweets ✅ 197m likes

\----------------------------------------------------------

(23 minutes ago)  
Flash Thompson • FlashT

@BestIntern words can't describe how ugly you are

🔁 243 retweets ✅ 136 likes

↪

(7 minutes ago)  
Olivia421 • Olivia421

Words can not describe how beautiful you are.

🔁 24k retweets ✅ 3k likes

↪

(6 minutes ago)  
Flash Thompson • FlashT

Aw thanks!!! <3

🔁 23 retweets ✅ 113 likes

↪

(2 hours ago)  
Shuri • PrincessAvocado ✔

@FlashT but numbers can! 2/10

🔁 93k retweets ✅ 119k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------

(52 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

*McDonalds drive through*

Happy: What do you want?

Me: large fries! :)

Happy to the drive through lady: small fries

Me: :(

🔁 26m retweets ✅ 31m likes

\----------------------------------------------------------

(39 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

"Oh bother! I'm all out of honey" says Winnie the Pooh "But bears are omnivores." He added, levelling his gaze at Piglet.

🔁 243m retweets ✅ 391m likes

\----------------------------------------------------------

(37 minutes ago)  
Spider-Man • Bi-derman ✔

soon.

🔁 6.5m retweets ✅ 14.1m likes

↪

(11 minutes ago)  
Moon moon • Cindymooon

I'm shaking what does this m e a n ???

🔁 6k retweets ✅ 13k likes

\----------------------------------------------------------

(59 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

@PizzaHut I ordered a large pizza and when it came i don't know if this is a joke or something but there's literally nothing on it. No cheese, no sauce, no toppings nothing??

🔁 65m retweets ✅ 541m likes

↪

(32 minutes ago)  
Pizza hut • PizzaHut ✔

Tony, we would like to hear more about this order. Please contact us at [[www.pizzahut.com/phcares](https://youtu.be/jWkWneQV5uQ)] with the details ^SB

🔁 2k retweets ✅ 24k likes

↪

(9 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

My bad I've been awake for 97 hours and opened the pizza upside down

🔁 732k retweets ✅ 7.3m likes

\----------------------------------------------------------

(8 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

So y'all tweeting from androids and starkphones. have you seen what I'm using??

-  
5:25am / 4-20-19 / KFC icecream machine  
-

🔁 25m retweets ✅ 41m likes

\----------------------------------------------------------

(3 days ago)  
starkstan • Gary

Media: Tony Stark is a horrible person! Look how he acts with this generation!!¡1!¡

Tony Stark:

➖

Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

@youknowwhoIam 📱! bring bring bring!

↪

Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

📱 uh, hello?

↪

Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

📱Whassap!?

↪

Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

📱Whaassssaapp!?

↪

Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Wazzaaaaaaaaaaaaa

↪

Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

↪

Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

↪

Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

➖

🔁 5m retweets ✅ 741k likes

\---------------------------------------------------------

(17 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

"Ahh, perry the platypus. You thought you could sneak up on me, but thanks to my new DummyThiccinator, the clap of your ass cheeks has alerted me of your presence!"

🔁 17m retweets ✅ 641k likes

↪

(17 hours ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds

"And once it recharges, I shall use it on the entire Tri-State Area!!"

🔁 16m retweets ✅ 538k likes

\----------------------------------------------------------

Steve Rogers • CaptainAmerica ✔

@YouknowwhoIam we're still friends right?

🔁 6m retweets ✅ 218k likes

↪ 

Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

↪

No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

↪

starkstan • Gary

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

↪

Spider-Man • Bi-derman ✔

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

↪

Friday • FRIDAY

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

↪

CEO of SI • PepperStark

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

↪

James Rhodes • ColRhodes

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

↪

RiRi • Riri

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

↪

Harley Keener • Potatoboi

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

↪

Peter Quill • Star-lord

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

↪

Natasha Romanoff • Blackwidow

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

↪

Elon Musk • ElonMusk

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

↪

Groot • IamGroot

I Am gRoOt¿

↪

Christine Everhart • Vanityfair

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

↪

Loki Odinson • ghostofLoki

WeRe sTiLl fRiEnDs rIghT¿

-

[View 92642 replies]

\----------------------------------------------------------

(21 seconds ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Petition for @PewDiePie to unblock me :(

[[Link](https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ)]

🔁 265m retweets ✅ 341m likes


	2. Chapter 2

(5 hours ago)  
Shuri • PrincessAvocado ✔

You can control white people by giving them cheese

🔁 293k retweets ✅441k likes 

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Cheese is so good tho

🔁288k retweets ✅ 531k likes

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Shuri • PrincessAvocado ✔

I got one

🔁298k retweets ✅ 431k likes

\--------------------------------------------------------

(4 hours ago)  
Fat bitch • DrFacilier 

Yes I'm a girl. Yes I steal ketchup packets from burger king. We exist 

🔁 123k retweets ✅ 218k likes

↪

(3 hours ago)  
Flash Thompson • FlashT 

@BurgerKing @BurgerKing_ID @BurgerKingBR @BurgerKingMX @BurgerKingFR @BurgerKingARG @BurgerKing_KOR @BurgerKingUK @BurgerKingph

🔁 66 retweets ✅ 21 likes

↪

(2 hours ago)  
Fat bitch • DrFacilier 

BRO!!?!!

🔁 16k retweets ✅ 23k likes

↪

(53 minutes ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

motherfucker snitched to the whole ass burger court

🔁 26k retweets ✅ 29k likes

\--------------------------------------------------------

(5 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

I fukin love toast. What absolute madlad took a bite of bread and was like "cook it again." unreal

🔁 863k retweets ✅ 2.5m likes

\--------------------------------------------------------

(59 minutes ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

80s music brings me back to all the good times like when I wasn't alive

🔁 543k retweets ✅ 735k likes

\--------------------------------------------------------

(9 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Varieties of clowns ranked from best to worst:

1\. Jester

2\. Fool

3\. Regular clown

4\. Rodeo clown

5\. Mime

6\. Anyone who juggles

Feel free to add any but if you reorder it i will sicc my doggo on you 

🔁 343k retweets ✅ 1.7m likes

↪

(9 days ago)  
MichelleJ • MotherfukinJones 

7\. You

🔁 34k retweets ✅ 37k likes

↪

(9 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

That's it. tweet cancelled.  
Everyone go home

🔁 234k retweets ✅ 543k likes

\--------------------------------------------------------

(8 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

French people on rollercoasters be like: ouiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

🔁 224k retweets ✅ 583k likes

\--------------------------------------------------------

(84 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

[My funeral]

Mr Stark: *solemnly placing his hand on my casket, sobbing* how could you do this to me we're so understaffed today 

🔁 953k retweets ✅ 2.4m likes

\--------------------------------------------------------

(67 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

[My funeral]

Mr Stark: *staring at my corpse, writing on a clipboard* not a team player, check

🔁 853k retweets ✅ 2.3m likes

\--------------------------------------------------------

(23 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

Regular back:

\- hurts constantly  
\- boring  
\- stupid bones

Backstreet's back:

\- alright

🔁 953k retweets ✅ 2.1m likes

\--------------------------------------------------------

(6 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Why do people named Deborah always go by "Deb" and never "Bruh"

🔁 353k retweets ✅ 631k likes

\--------------------------------------------------------

(53 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

10 years ago today, I married my best friend...

My wife's still a little mad about it but Rhodey and i thought it'd be funny

🔁 353k retweets ✅ 931k likes

\--------------------------------------------------------

(23 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

you can't spell stark without a 

🔁 253k retweets ✅ 531k likes

↪

(22 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Without a what?

🔁 53k retweets ✅ 131k likes

↪

(21 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

without a 

🔁 233k retweets ✅ 421k likes

↪

(20 minutes ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

Without a what??

🔁 33k retweets ✅ 51k likes

\--------------------------------------------------------

(21 days ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

Wanna know what my biggest investment fail is??

🔁 133k retweets ✅ 251k likes

↪

(21 days ago)  
Fat bitch • DrFacilier 

Investing your time & money in the avengers and them using the weapons you made for them against you?? 

🔁 32k retweets ✅ 156k likes

↪

(21 days ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

I was gonna say my bed cause I never sleep. But damn. Good point

🔁 232k retweets ✅ 436k likes

\-------------------------------------------------------

(5 hours ago)  
Shuri • PrincessAvocado ✔

If a bear and a shark got into a fight, which would win?

🔁 232k retweets ✅ 356k likes

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Obviously no shark could swim ashore to fight. So polar bears, being the only truly aquatic bear would clearly win. Right Mr Stark? @YouknowwhoIam ? ?

🔁 352k retweets ✅ 496k likes

↪

(4 hours ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

What the fuck

🔁 3.2m retweets ✅ 4.7m likes

\------------------------------------------------------

(9 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Mr @Star-lord Sir, I have a question.

🔁 232k retweets ✅ 431k likes

↪

(9 hours ago)  
Peter Quill • Star-lord 

Ok? 

🔁 132k retweets ✅ 471k likes

↪

(9 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

If groot tried to speak spanish would he say something like "yo soy groot" or would he say "i am groot" but mean it in spanish? ??

🔁 732k retweets ✅ 1m likes

↪

(9 hours ago)  
Peter Quill • Star-lord 

... 

🔁 432k retweets ✅ 751k likes

\------------------------------------------------------

(15 hours ago)  
Shuri • PrincessAvocado ✔

Humuhumunukunukuapua is such a bop

🔁 412k retweets ✅ 871k likes

\------------------------------------------------------

(9 minutes ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

Amputating mike wazowski's legs would be exactly the same as beheading him

🔁 482k retweets ✅ 971k likes

\------------------------------------------------------

[Trending worldwide]

1\. Wouldgrootspeakspanish

2\. Irondad 

3\. Unblockhim

4\. Garycomehome

5\. We'restillfriendsright

6\. JamesCharlesiscancelled

7\. WhokilledJBB

8\. Blinkingwhiteguy

9\. Teamtrees

10\. Scoobydoomovie


	3. Chapter 3

(14 seconds ago)  
Col. Rhodes • WarMachine ✔

Just saw Tony's intern drop his donut on the floor then say deadpan, "I am so sick of being alive"

🔁 352k retweets ✅ 531k likes 

\-------------------------------------------------

(4 minutes ago)  
Fat bitch • DrFacilier

Do I want mushrooms on my pizza? Sure! And while you're at it, take the mould from your shower and spread it all over the crust you 🍕💩

🔁531k retweets ✅ 853k likes

\-------------------------------------------------

(35 seconds ago)  
Wade W Wilson • 💀💩L ✔

If you're ever having a bad day, just remember, in thousands of alternate universes you're happily married to Ryan Reynolds.  
Unfortunately you were born here, where no one loves you and life is a meaningless black void. Hope that helps :)

🔁571k retweets ✅ 953k likes

\-------------------------------------------------

(1 hour ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

This spoonful of honey I had is the best darn honey I've had in my life. .. find me the bee who is responsible 

🔁211k retweets ✅ 553k likes

↪

(34 minutes ago)  
Just a bee 🐝 • beewhoisresponsible

*blushes*

🔁21k retweets ✅ 53k likes

\-------------------------------------------------

(59 minutes ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

There's a lot of serial killers outside rn and they sound like little girls being attacked by geese. like shut up I'm tryna sleep here!! 

🔁56k retweets ✅ 213k likes

↪

(1 hour ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

WHAT THE FUCK!?!1?1

🔁 76k retweets ✅ 423k likes

↪

(1 hour ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

THERE ARE *GEESE* OUTSIDE! !

I MEAN GEESE WHO SOUND LIKE LITTLE GIRLS BEING ATTACKED BY SERIAL KILLERS!!

🔁 156k retweets ✅ 229k likes

↪

(1 hour ago)  
Shuri • PrincessAvocado ✔

I'M S O B B I N G

🔁 59k retweets ✅ 127k likes

\-------------------------------------------------

(3 hours ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

When I was 7 I had a really bad fear of dannydevito when I was going to sleep. So peter gave me a watch that was like 8 hours ahead so it was always daytime on the watch when I slept, and he told me it would confuse dannydevito and he would think it was daytime and get scared of the sun and leave me alone

🔁 132k retweets ✅ 451k likes

↪

(3 hours ago)  
Sally Avril • Fruitsallyyummyyummy

Damn peters always so nice!!! 😂

🔁 174 retweets ✅ 1.9k likes

↪

(2 hours ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

Wtf sorry guys my autocorrect changed it to Danny devito 😂  
I MEANT VAMPIRES!!

🔁 32k retweets ✅ 341k likes

\-------------------------------------------------

(7 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

[My funeral]

*everyone is sitting at their seats when all of a sudden "I like to move it" by King Julian blasts through the speakers and my lifeless corpse is dropped down from the ceiling on strings like a puppet and just starts dancing*

🔁 2m retweets ✅ 8.3m likes

[View 3.3m replies]

↪

(23 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Everyone who responded by saying it's not sung by King Julian can die with me too

🔁 587k retweets ✅ 1.9m likes

\-------------------------------------------------

(43 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Me: *drinking Coca-cola*

Ned, who just woke up after sleeping on my kitchen floor: "Coca-cola can remove rust from metal, imagine what it's doing to your body!1!!"

🔁 97k retweets ✅ 254k likes

↪

(42 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! 

🔁 511k retweets ✅ 1.4m likes

↪

(41 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

SORRY MR STARK WE CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER OUR RUST FREE BODIES!!

🔁 421k retweets ✅ 861k likes

\-------------------------------------------------

(4 hours ago)  
Liz Allen • Lizard

What if you woke up and your favourite fictional character was next to you and was like "good morning!" ?

🔁795 retweets ✅ 2k likes

↪

(3 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔ 

Nemo. .. you can't be here... your dad will be worried sick

🔁75k retweets ✅ 253k likes

\-------------------------------------------------

(45 minutes ago)  
MichelleJ • MotherfukinJones 

When my boyfriend acts like an idiot I look at him through a fork and pretend he's in jail. It heals me spiritually 

🔁10.9k retweets ✅ 159k likes

\-------------------------------------------------

(3 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

I'm so sensitive sometimes I wanna cry :)

🔁 124k retweets ✅ 383k likes

↪

(3 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

You'll be okay dramatic bitch :)

🔁 98k retweets ✅ 183k likes

\-------------------------------------------------

(3 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

[My funeral]

Ned: *leaning into my casket and whispering to my corpse* can i play a game on your phone? 

🔁 154k retweets ✅ 513k likes

\-------------------------------------------------

(50 minutes ago)  
CEO of SI • PepperStark ✔

Rhodey was telling a long, boring story to Tony and I, and Peter interrupted saying "surprising, but you know what's not surprising? How much money May saved switching to Geico!" 

Needless to say we're in trouble with James for laughing so hard.

🔁 342k retweets ✅ 1.3m likes

\-------------------------------------------------

(9 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Don't freak out but Minnie Mouse implies the existence of Massive Mouse

🔁 341k retweets ✅ 863k likes

\-------------------------------------------------

(4 weeks ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Mr Strange: Tony was abducted by aliens last night

Me: *about to change the thermostat* oh no.

(Meanwhile on the ufo)

Alien Squidward: What what do you mean we have to turn back around!?

Mr Stark: somethings wrong I can't explain it!

🔁 231k retweets ✅ 767k likes

\-------------------------------------------------

[Replying to BestIntern]

(4 weeks ago)  
Stephen with a PHD • DrStrange

It's DOCTOR Strange 

🔁 35k retweets ✅ 153k likes


	4. Chapter 4

(50 minutes ago)

Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

S**he's** **j**ust br**o**ken.

S**h**e's **n**ot joking.

**C**rying b**e**hi**n**d her l**a**ugh.

🔁 321k retweets ✅ 731k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(4 weeks ago)  
Bucky Barnes • Whitewolf 

Apparently telling a child you have a magic trick then detaching your arm isn't as friendly as I thought.

@Ant-Man sorry again!!

🔁 53k retweets ✅ 197k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(7 weeks ago)  
Abe Brown • BabeBrown 

What is Obama's last name??

🔁 76k retweets ✅ 264.1k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(2 years ago)  
Oxygen yessss • theonceler 

Natasha Romanoff has the emotional range of a fucking celery. I hate white people.

🔁 252 retweets ✅ 351 likes

↪ 

(23 minutes ago)  
Natasha Romanoff • Blackwidow 

What. All of us?

🔁 43k retweets ✅ 175k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(5 hours ago)  
Bucky Barnes • Whitewolf 

I don't really understand how Sam Wilson got this far looking like a bug with buck teeth but here we are....

🔁 20k retweets ✅ 164k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(6 hours ago)  
Falcon • SamWilson

Why do so many people have a crush on bucky barnes he looks like a potato 

🔁 23k retweets ✅ 173k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(1 week ago)  
Moon moon • Cindymooon 

Wanda Maximoff has weird fucking thumbs

🔁 164 retweets ✅ 1k likes

↪

(4 days ago)  
Scarlet witch • WMaximoff 

It's true I do. 

🔁 134 retweets ✅ 926 likes

\---------------------------------------------

(12 hours ago)  
Shrek is love • Shrekislife

James rhodes looks like a mix between a beetle, a muskrat and a roach

🔁 1k retweets ✅ 23k likes 

↪

(6 minutes ago)  
Col. Rhodes • WarMachine ✔

That's just fucked up.

🔁 34k retweets ✅ 127k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(6 hours ago)  
Beyoncé stan • notwong

Doctor Strange always looks like he's had an allergic reaction to bad shrimp 

🔁 186 retweets ✅ 1k retweets 

\---------------------------------------------

(5 minutes ago)  
MERCURY • Mamaaaauwu

I bet @BestIntern is one of those whities who clap when the plane lands.

🔁 5k retweets ✅ 27k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(4 days ago)  
Metro news 1 • RobinScherbatsky

Ever notice that nick fury looks like a snapping turtle? 

🔁 4k retweets ✅ 34k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(8 days ago)  
Blue sad bear • nohomobro

If a girl wants to fuck scott lang, chances are she'll fuck you too! #scottlangisunfuckable

🔁 3 retweets ✅ 23 likes

\---------------------------------------------

(78 weeks ago)  
Ultron is my papi • uwultron

The Vision -- what a cunt.

🔁 2 retweets ✅ 0 likes

\---------------------------------------------

(7 hours ago)  
Nebula • Nebula

If I said it once, I said it 600 times. Peter Quill is still a pussy.

🔁 753 retweets ✅ 2.1k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(5 hours ago)  
Flash Thompson • FlashT 

I've been in detention for 2 hours and I'm finally ready to say it:

Captain America is a big dumb hunk of shit.

🔁 1k retweets ✅ 31k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(5 hours ago)  
Thomas Sanders • Thomassanders ✔

I'm here to announce my new favourite princess, Shuri Udaka. She must be protected. I would die for her. 

🔁 321k retweets ✅ 731k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(4 weeks ago)  
M'baku t h i c c • thicchih

I swear on crip. If I ever see that killmonger guy, imma slap that mini feather duster he called a moustache off his lip bruh

🔁 642 retweets ✅ 1.5k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(12 seconds ago)  
Sally Avril • Fruitsallyyummyyummy 

Y'all think when vision died they just put him in a bag of rice and hoped for the best??

🔁 245 retweets ✅ 685 likes

\---------------------------------------------

(4 hours ago)  
Hulk lover • huwulk  
@DrBanner daddy!!!!! Use my face as a trampoline 

🔁 25 retweets ✅ 185 likes

-

↪

-

(12 seconds ago)  
Robert Bruce Banner • DrBanner ✔ 

...Thanks?

🔁 22k retweets ✅ 121.1k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(7 weeks ago)  
Beans • Beanos

M'baku could blow my M'Back out if he wanted to

🔁 41k retweets ✅ 153.3k likes 


	5. Chapter 5

(51 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

:(

🔁 81k retweets ✅ 653k likes 

↪ 

(50 minutes ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

Turn that frown upside down!

🔁 21k retweets ✅ 53k likes 

↪

(50 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

):

🔁 53k retweets ✅ 564k likes 

↪

(49 minutes ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

Listen here you little shi-

🔁 51k retweets ✅ 59k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(5 hours ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

I'm hungry.

🔁 151k retweets ✅ 629k likes 

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔ 

Me too 😩

🔁 94k retweets ✅ 433k likes 

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

Kid, which one of us ate the 10 loaves of bread I got us for lunch and which one of us ate nothing?

🔁 154k retweets ✅ 729k likes 

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔ 

..legally, I cannot answer that

🔁 122k retweets ✅ 613k likes 

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

What?

🔁 94.9k retweets ✅ 321k likes 

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔ 

I want a lawyer. 

🔁 432k retweets ✅ 923k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(4 hours ago)  
Natasha Romanoff • Blackwidow 

I'M NOT CRYING I'M ALLERGIC TO JERKS! !

🔁86k retweets ✅ 341k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(27 minutes ago)  
Spider-Man • Bi-derman ✔

I am now exercising my 5th amendment rights.

🔁 123k retweets ✅ 942k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(4 years ago)  
Speedy Gonzales • pietrom

Change da world.

My final message.

Good b ye.

🔁 22k retweets ✅ 183k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(1 hour ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

Why would I buy a weighted blanket when I can sleep with the weight of knowing I will never be enough 😎

🔁 72k retweets ✅ 643k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(15 hours ago)  
Peter Quill • Star-lord ✔

Sorry to the snail I accidentally crushed while landing my ship. Your life was worth 10× more than mine yet I am the one still here

🔁 264k retweets ✅ 842k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(7 hours ago)  
Applebees • Applebees ✔

Hints of fresh lemon.  
A raspberry finish.

Our findings from a tasting of this season's $1 vodka raspberry lemonade harvest!

🔁 1k retweets ✅ 4.5k likes 

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Bucky Barnes • Whitewolf 

My uncle was murdered in one of your restaurants and the killer was never found

🔁 2k retweets ✅ 5k likes

↪

(4 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Is this real!?!?!?!

🔁 3.7k retweets ✅ 16k likes

↪

(4 minutes ago)  
Applebees • Applebees ✔

It's real! We're featuring the $1 vodka raspberry lemonade the entire month!

🔁 1.4k retweets ✅ 6k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(14 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

When you ate all the pizza rolls then remember the good times when you still had pizza rolls.. . 😩😔

🔁 287.1k retweets ✅ 746k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(1 hour ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

A MOSQUITO TRIED TO BITE ME AND I SLAPPED IT AND KILLED IT AND I STARTED THINKING LIKE IT WAS JUST TRYING TO GET FOOD WHAT IF I WENT TO THE FRIDGE AND THE DOORS SLAMMED SHUT AND SNAPPED MY NECK HOW WOULD I FEEL

🔁 751k retweets ✅ 1.7m likes

↪

(59 minutes ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

u ok bro? 

🔁 33k retweets ✅ 143k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(12 weeks ago)  
Addmeonfortnite@GodOT • THOR ✔

Get you a brother who literally hates you and tries to kill you any chance he has 😍 he tried to poison me last night 💓🙈 sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and he's just standing over me with a knife 😊💕 trapped in the basement now haven't seen daylight in weeks 😂💅

🔁 73k retweets ✅ 444.4k likes

\---------------------------------------------


	6. Chapter 6

(3 days ago)  
Flash Thompson • FlashT 

Monthly:  
Food $900  
Data $150  
School stuff $630  
Candles $5,600  
Shoes $780  
Someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. My family is dying

🔁 623 retweets ✅ 2.6k likes

↪

(2 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Spend less on candles 

🔁 21k retweets ✅ 192k likes

↪

(2 days ago)  
Flash Thompson • FlashT 

no.

🔁 153 retweets ✅ 825 likes

\---------------------------------------------

(4 hours ago)  
Shuri • PrincessAvocado ✔

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown and b) not even one of the better known clowns

🔁 13k retweets ✅ 152k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(7 weeks ago)  
Steve Rogers • CaptainAmerica ✔

Boy, do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba.

🔁 73k retweets ✅ 322k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(3 seconds ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

"Ha ha ha! Terrific!" - Bucky Barnes, every time Jar Jar Binks appears on screen

🔁 94k retweets ✅ 412k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(43 minutes ago)  
I got the van • Luis

hi, @Ant-Man? Scottie, can u come pick me up from the rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

🔁 4k retweets ✅ 12k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(6 days ago)  
King T'Challa Udaka • BlackPanther ✔

PLEASE STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.

🔁 74k retweets ✅ 231k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(7 seconds ago)  
Loki Odinson • ghostofLoki 

Waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup.

🔁 104k retweets ✅ 714k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(6 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

This kid, I swear 😩 

Peter: Do you have Coke?

Waiter: No, is Pepsi okay?

Peter: Do you have updog.

Waiter: What's updog?

Peter: Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay.

🔁 284k retweets ✅ 841k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(26 seconds ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

My Roomba just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins. 😩

🔁 64k retweets ✅ 344k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(6 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

me: goodnight moon  
moon: new phone who dis

🔁 24k retweets ✅ 164k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(24 minutes ago)  
MichelleJ • MotherfukinJones 

*approaches bf at walmart*  
"Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"

🔁 64k retweets ✅ 265k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(34 minutes ago)  
Scott Lang • Ant-Man 

he died doing what he loved best, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest

🔁 14k retweets ✅ 85k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(45 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

@youknowwhoIam I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making a healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it :/

🔁 232k retweets ✅ 635k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(33 seconds ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

cop: where were you last night at 11pm?

shakira: at home sleeping

shakira's hips: she was at the club where the murder took place

shakira: son of a bitch

🔁 81k retweets ✅ 318k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(1 second ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles? ?

🔁175k retweets ✅ 539k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(6 days ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

Maybe if you knew Garfield's parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn't be so judgmental!! 😤

🔁 2k retweets ✅ 6.7k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(3 weeks ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Hi Mr Stark sir, I-*briefcase full of jellybeans falls open*

🔁 221k retweets ✅ 697k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(14 minutes ago)  
Col. Rhodes • WarMachine ✔

Peter: hello mr war machine sir, it's very... muggy out today ;)

Me: if I go outside & you've put all the mugs on the front lawn. I-...

Tony: *sips coffee from bowl*

🔁73k retweets ✅ 421k likes


	7. Chapter 7

(3 hours ago)  
Fat bitch • DrFacilier 

IMAGINE:   
Tony Stark pointing you out in a police line-up for pickpocketing his wallet in Burger King 😍😍😍

🔁 43k retweets ✅ 201.4k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(7 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

A huge plot hole in Aladdin is that Rajah could just eat Jafar. 

he's literally a tiger

🔁 153k retweets ✅ 685k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(2 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

I haven't eaten anything since 11 bruh I'm starving

🔁65k retweets ✅ 228k likes

↪

(1 minute ago)  
Shuri • PrincessAvocado ✔

Damn and u how old now??

🔁54k retweets ✅ 219k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(4 hours ago)  
Fat bitch • DrFacilier 

You just had a hair transplant and when the nurse comes out you can't find 🅱eter anywhere you ask where he is and then 🅱eter comes out of a room b a l d and says "who do you think gave you the hair?"

🔁 21k retweets ✅ 71k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(3 hours ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

The breakfast club isn't even about breakfast 

🔁 175k retweets ✅ 487k likes

↪

(3 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

You could've at least said spoiler alert 

🔁 155k retweets ✅ 374k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(5 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

Chipmunks are legally classified as vermin which means alvin, simon, theodore and the chipetts can be killed with no legal consequences

🔁 168k retweets ✅ 399k likes 

\---------------------------------------------  
(47 seconds ago)  
Wade W Wilson • 💀💩L ✔

Imagine being in Gotham tryna sell an 8th and batman come break yo arm

🔁 53k retweets ✅ 192k likes 

↪

(3 seconds ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Who?

🔁12k retweets ✅ 97.1k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(4 hours ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

Is there a twitter option for everyone to just shut the fuck up?

🔁 532k retweets ✅ 1.4m likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(2 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Hey guys, protip! If you're seriously sick don't write emails!! Signed a person who wrote their boss this:

"DeAr mistr hello, i am sick and not sure if I'll be alive to come tomorow and i'm sorry. Best slutations, pEter."

🔁352k retweets ✅ 791.6k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(5 seconds ago)  
Spider-Man • Bi-derman ✔

Just because I have a spider-sense doesn't mean I have common sense

🔁 173k retweets ✅ 497k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(5 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

I bet Thomas Jefferson called his father Jefferdad

🔁 23k retweets ✅ 169k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(56 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

🔁 163k retweets ✅ 735k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(4 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

Cheese is just a loaf of milk.

🔁 51k retweets ✅ 111k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(8 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

When you die you go to the mii plaza

🔁 542k retweets ✅ 2.4m likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(4 seconds ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literal animal. And the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) a coded message.

🔁 152k retweets ✅ 296k likes


	8. Chapter 8

(5 minutes ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

I love how vegans still drink water... That a fish's house you bitch 

🔁 1.1m retweets ✅ 4.2m likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(7 hours ago)  
MichelleJ • MotherfukinJones 

@BestIntern sorry for roasting you, I was trying to flirt 

🔁 34k retweets ✅ 98k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(2 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

When I was four years old my parents, who were scientists were murdered in an explosion, they died instantly. That when I realized, in the midst of my grief, how much I love beef stew. For this recipe you'll need a slow cooker, 

🔁 94k retweets ✅ 264k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(56 minutes ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

What's the max amount of advil someone can take?

🔁 975 retweets ✅ 2.1k likes 

↪

(56 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Don't do it please :'(

🔁 24k retweets ✅ 54k likes 

↪

(55 minutes ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

No im asking bc I have knee pain

🔁 2.7k retweets ✅ 6.2k likes 

↪

(54 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Oh take 2

🔁 56k retweets ✅ 102k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(5 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

pretty sure my soulmate is a bag of gummy bears

🔁 5k retweets ✅ 12k likes 

↪ 

(5 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔ 

I just ate a whole bag of those, no joke 

🔁 11k retweets ✅ 86k likes 

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

u piece of fukin shit that was the love of my life

🔁 9.2k retweets ✅ 68k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(6 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

My son was so friken cute today. He asked me "Dad, are clouds candy?" I told him they were water. Then he asked "Dad, what's earth's defence system?" And then I remembered I don't have a son. So he asked again, his eyes now obsidian black "What is the defence system father?"

🔁 82k retweets ✅ 397k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(1 hour ago)  
CEO of SI • PepperStark ✔

My 4 year old: I can't sleep mom, I'm scared of Frankenstein

Me: Do you mean Frankenstein's monster?

My 4 year old: I do not. Personally, I find unethical and irresponsible scientific practice far more terrifying than any physical being and so should you

🔁 112k retweets ✅ 642k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(6 seconds ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

Milk is for wimps.  
I only drink asparagus water. 

🔁 176k retweets ✅ 798k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(3 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

Yes I shower naked. Call me a slut. I don't care

🔁 16k retweets ✅ 99.4k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(5 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Find miss kesha

👶👦👧👨👩👴👵👮👷💂👯👸👰👼👱  
👶👦👧👨👩👴👵👮👷💂👯👸👰👼👱  
👶👦👧👨👩👴👵👮👷💂👯👸👰👼👱  
👶👦👧👨👩👴👵👮👷💂👯👸👰👼👱  
👶👦👧👨👩👴👵👮👷💂👯👸👰👼👱

Can't find her?

That's because she's fukin dead

🔁 686k retweets ✅ 2.1m likes


	9. Chapter 9

(27 minutes ago)  
Spider-Man • Bi-derman ✔

Me: but i want it

Ironman: [carrying me to the Avengers Compound as I bleed out, passing a dairy queen] i said no

🔁 86k retweets ✅ 434k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(6 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

I made stew. It was awesome. I love potatoes

🔁 8.2k retweets ✅ 154k likes 

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Justapotato • potato

i luv you too

🔁 1.2k retweets ✅ 4k likes 

↪

(5 hours ago)  
Justapotato • potato

wait what was in the stew??

🔁 2k retweets ✅ 7k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(3 hours ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects.

🔁 285k retweets ✅ 531k likes   
[View 4853 replies]

↪

(2 hours ago)  
Elon Musk • ElonMusk ✔

Tony.. why?

🔁 42k retweets ✅ 247k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(5 seconds ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

My goal for 2020 is to drop all my passive aggressive bullshit.

That's right, this year I'm getting straight up aggressive.

Good luck, fuckers!

🔁 96k retweets ✅ 657k likes 

[1•Jan•2020•]

\---------------------------------------------

(5 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Subway rat made eye contact with me and said "join us. When the train comes we slide under the tracks and feel it rumble over us like a warm thunderstorm. we live forever and we love to live." I said no thank you I am too large he turned away from me and I cried 

🔁 102k retweets ✅ 756k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(56 minutes ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

Why should I pass my exams when I can just pass away??

🔁 121k retweets ✅ 356k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(6 hours ago)  
No. 1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

So my keyboawd bwoke. I can't type "r" without copy-pasting it. Now I'm using this dweadful "uwu" language to weplace the bwoken key oh my god.

🔁 14k retweets ✅ 65.6k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(3 days ago)  
Nope • LilNasX ✔

Why don't we just put all the ocean water in a cup, clean out the bottom then pour it back.

🔁 26k retweets ✅ 160k likes 

↪

(3 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Idk that's a lot of water man... might need two cups

🔁 13k retweets ✅ 66k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(4 weeks ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Thor be like: I'm trying to sneak around but I'm dummy t h i c c and the thunder clap of my ass cheeks keeps alerting thanos

🔁 553k retweets ✅ 1.1m likes 

↪

(4 weeks ago)  
Addmeonfortnite@GodOT • THOR ✔

What thy fucketh

🔁 261k retweets ✅ 645k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(2 years ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

Your bed is probably as happy to see you as you are to see it. 'Here comes the warmth slab' it thinks

🔁 12.1k retweets ✅ 15k likes 

↪

(2 years ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Wrong! It thinks 'god I hope this dipshit doesn't spill beans on me again. Who tf eats beans in bed' 

🔁 187k retweets ✅ 225k likes 

↪

(1 year ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Stop retweeting this new year new me I haven't spilled beans in bed ONCE

🔁 342k retweets ✅ 531k likes 

↪

(2 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Uh oh

🔁 534k retweets ✅ 965k likes


	10. Chapter 10

(2 minutes ago)  
Spider-Man • Bi-derman ✔

Hostage or not, sometimes it's nice being held

🔁 8.9k retweets ✅ 78k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(4 hours ago)  
Shuri • PrincessAvocado ✔

who decided the soundtrack of Shrek would go that hard

🔁 83k retweets ✅ 321k likes 

↩

(4 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Honestly Shrek snapped when he wrote Hallelujah

🔁 74k retweets ✅ 265k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(4 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

(Commercial for floors)

"Is this you?"

(Footage of Man falling endlessly to oblivion)

🔁 76k retweets ✅ 200k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(56 seconds ago)  
Loki Odinson • ghostofLoki 

If I got any cooler I would freeze to death 😎

🔁 98k retweets ✅ 160k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(4 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi 

Yeah I'm happy

H ardly sleeping   
A nxious about everything   
P retending I'm fine  
P dead inside  
Y can't write an acrostic poem

🔁 87k retweets ✅ 231k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(5 minutes ago)  
Harold Hogan • HaroldH

I hate humans. . I should've been a bike or some shit 

Send tweet

🔁 788 retweets ✅ 2.3k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(Posted: 30 July 2016)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi ✔

walmart employees be so nosy like yes i’m stealing damn what you want

🔁 23k retweets ✅ 98k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(Posted: 3 May 2015)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

╭┈┈┈┈╯ ╰┈┈┈╮

╰┳┳╯ ╰┳┳╯

I B

T E  
╰┈┈╯  
╭━━━━━╮   
┈┈┈┈   
L D

I A

K T

E

🔁 93k retweets ✅ 354k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(Posted: 29 Dec 2018)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

[truck runs me over]

me, bleeding in pain: hit or miss i guess they never miss huh lol

🔁 17k retweets ✅ 36k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(Last online: 2023)  
Posted: 16 Nov 2018  
Thanos • Thanos ✔

Wtf only half my squad showed up to my birthday party smh #fakefriends

🔁 12 retweets ✅ 178 likes 

↩

(Last online: 2023)  
Posted: 16 Nov 2018  
Thanos • Thanos ✔

Oooohhhh yeahhh lmao I forgot 😂

🔁 278 retweets ✅ 8 likes 


	11. Chapter 11

(7 hours ago)  
Shuri • PrincessAvocado ✔

Legit just overheard this..

Spider-Man: When I get murdered, make sure it's an unsolved case

T'Challa: What?

Spider-Man: I want to end up on Buzzfeed Unsolved!

Tony: How about we go back to the part where you said 'when I get murdered-'

🔁 98k retweets ✅ 452k likes 

\-----------------------------------------------

(4 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Someone just knocked on my door and they were wearing a red hat. i didn't answer cuz I was scared it was donald trump

🔁 74k retweets ✅ 201k likes 

↪

(4 hours ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

What if it was Mario you utter fool

🔁 7k retweets ✅ 21k likes 

↪

(4 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

😳😧😣😩

🔁 2k retweets ✅ 6k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(3 minutes ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi ✔

Very proud to announce that I am officially a lost cause! Thank you all for your continued support, unfortunately it was all for nothing!

🔁 2k retweets ✅ 6k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(5 minutes ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

[First day as bartender]

Her: piña colada please

Me: ok :)

Her: can you make it virgin?

Me: *trying not to cry* yes I know how to make it

🔁 8k retweets ✅ 13k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(1 day ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

"Hey buddy, do you wanna buy a harmonica? ;)" I open my coat and get hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

🔁 26k retweets ✅ 79k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(4 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi ✔

Judge: You're charged with jaywalking how do you plead?

Me: *leans into mic* I'll take the death penalty 

🔁 59k retweets ✅ 187k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(1 hour ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Like a year before the blip mr stark took miss stark, mr col rhodes, my aunt & myself to an Italian restaurant and the waiter asked what my name was and I said "Peter but you can call me captain ravioli" and everyone stared at me and mr stark said "What the fuck was that? Don't do that" and I've been chasing that high ever since. 

🔁 58k retweets ✅ 363k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(56 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

The last time I went to the hospital I checked off "excessive crying" on the system list and the nurse got really confused and told me that was meant for babies

🔁 114k retweets ✅ 503k likes 

\---------------------------------------------

(18 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi ✔

@BestIntern we're as thick thieves

🔁 19k retweets ✅ 163k likes

↪

(18 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Ok 

🔁 4k retweets ✅ 87k likes

↪

(18 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi ✔

as juicy as burglars

🔁 27k retweets ✅ 173k likes

↪

(17 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Stop

🔁 14k retweets ✅ 57k likes

↪

(17 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi ✔

Just a couple of dummy thicc stealy bois 

🔁 46k retweets ✅ 175k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(3 hours ago)  
Tony Stark • YouknowwhoIam ✔

Fellas/ladies/pals, If you've:

\- got sunshine on a cloudy day  
\- got the month of may when it's cold outside   
\- got so much honey the bees envy you  
\- got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees 

She's not your girl, she's My Girl.

🔁 649k retweets ✅ 1.1m likes

\---------------------------------------------

(2 days ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

This morning at 7-eleven I saw a lizard next to the slushie machine and the lady at the cashier said "No worries that's just jason, he likes the smell"

🔁 46k retweets ✅ 175k likes

↪

(1 day ago)  
7-Eleven • 7eleven ✔

Oh no! Can you DM us with the store location you visited so we can check in on Jason? Thank you!

🔁 15 retweets ✅ 81 likes

↪

(48 minutes ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

no way i'm not gonna narc on my buddy

🔁 44k retweets ✅ 158k likes

\---------------------------------------------

(3 hours ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

I miss my hat

🔁 4k retweets ✅ 7k likes

↪

(3 hours ago)  
No.1 guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

What i liked about the hat was that it was slouchy and it fit my globe-like head

🔁 4.8k retweets ✅ 8k likes


	12. Chapter 12

(52 minutes ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi ✔

I'M BABYSITTINg and I accidentally texted the parents "the baby died" instead of "the baby monitor died" AND I SWEAR TO GOD I have never gotten a call so fast in my life-

🔁123k retweets ✅356k likes

\-----------------------------------------------

(5 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Which pokemon could I most easily kill with my bare hands?

🔁89k retweets ✅165k likes

↪

(4 hours ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi ✔

Current first place: mr Mime

Not because Mr mime is particularly weak- but because if i ever saw a Mr Mime in real life i would be filled with the exact power needed to kill a Mr Mime

🔁54k retweets ✅99k likes

\-----------------------------------------------

(3 hours ago)  
Smooth criminal • MichelleJ 

20,000 flies tied to strings pull my lifeless body into the sky

🔁8k retweets ✅17k likes

↪

(3 hours ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

You would not believe your eyes  
If 20,000 tethered flies  
Hoisted my corpse into the sky

🔁7k retweets ✅16k likes

↪

(3 hours ago)  
No 1. Guy in the chair • NedLeeds 

P L E A S E T A K E M E  
A W A Y F R O M H E R E 

🔁6k retweets ✅11k likes

\-----------------------------------------------

(1 day ago)  
Abe B • bAbeBrown 

Yes, judge I do have something to say. If you truly are what you eat then I am an innocent man. Thank you

🔁 3k retweets ✅ 7k likes

\-----------------------------------------------

(8 days ago)  
Shuri • PrincessAvocado ✔

@Potatoboi if u were an egg, what kind would you be?

🔁 63k retweets ✅ 119k likes

↪

(7 days ago)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi ✔

Scrambled 

🔁 16k retweets ✅ 78k likes

↪

(6 days ago)  
Shuri • PrincessAvocado ✔

I meant what animal egg not how you'd be cooked ya suicidal maniac

🔁 54k retweets ✅ 86k likes

\-----------------------------------------------

(4 weeks ago)  
Petew - pawkew • iUwUi

@BestIntern If I were dating you. Well, heh. Let's just say horses wouldn't be called 'horses' anymore.

🔁 2 retweets ✅ 6 likes

↪

(2 weeks ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Hey what the frick does this mean

🔁 2k retweets ✅ 6k likes

↪

(2 weeks ago)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

I'M SHAKING WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

🔁 3k retweets ✅ 6k likes

\-----------------------------------------------

( 3 days ago)  
CAPTAIN AMERRIKA • Stavarogers

IRON MAN SUCKS !!¡

🔁 3 retweets ✅ 256 likes

↪

(1 day go)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi ✔

I need to take this call hang on a second 

🔁 1k retweets ✅ 3k likes

↪

(1 day go)  
Harley Keener • Potatoboi ✔

It's the circus. They're asking for you. apparently they've had a vacancy in clownery they think you'd be suited for.

🔁 1k retweets ✅ 3k likes

\-----------------------------------------------

(6 days go)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

I put a blindfold on and now I can't see the tutorial on how to get a blindfold off because there's a blindfold in the way

🔁 6k retweets ✅ 34k likes

↪

(4 days go)  
CVSpharmacy • CVSpharmacyUS

That's a good one, peter

🔁 2 retweets ✅ 18 likes

↪

(2 days go)  
Beterbarker • BestIntern ✔

Thank you, CVS pharmacy 

🔁 789 retweets ✅ 3k likes

\-----------------------------------------------

(8 hours ago)  
Flash Thompson • FlashT 

It's illegal to be better looking than me

🔁 197 retweets ✅ 411 likes

↪

(6 hours go)  
Smooth criminal • MichelleJ 

Well guys, it looks like we're all going to jail!

🔁 684 retweets ✅ 1k likes


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just realised I haven't uploaded anything since like,,, a year ago lmao,, I don't have an excuse I just forgot 🖐🏼😔 
> 
> my bad y'all
> 
> Also if u see a username changed,, dw that's just me forgetting 💔

(14 minutes ago)   
Tony Stark ▪️ YouknowwhoIam ✔

Listen up fives, a ten is speaking

🔄 456k retweets ✅ 965k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(57 minutes ago)   
Spider-Man 🏳️🌈 ▪️ Bi-derman ✔

What I want - snuggles  
What I get - struggles

🔄 764k retweets ✅ 1m likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(1 week ago)   
Michelle Jones ▪️Motherfukinjones

Peter put salt in my coffee because I annoyed him but I'm going to continue to drink it because I'm petty and won't let him win 

🔄 15k retweets ✅ 107k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(5 hours ago)   
🅱️eter 🅱️arker ▪️Bestintern ✔

A skrull, as Mr stark: shoot him! He's the skrull!!

Col Rhodes, pointing a gun at the skrull: the *real* Tony Stark™ would never give up the opportunity to die!! 

🔄 260k retweets ✅ 586k likes

↪️

(4 hours ago)   
Col. J Rhodes ▪️WarMachine ✔

I hate that I can see this actually happening 

🔄 230k retweets ✅ 524k likes

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(45 minutes ago)   
Ned Leeds ▪️guyinthechair

Just saw Peter doing the pspspsps sound to a subway rat-   
I'm so glad he's my best friend 😩✨

🔄 99k retweets ✅ 201k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(17 hours ago)   
Harley Keener ▪️Potatoboi 

Me: Hi do you take walk-ins? 

Cremator: what

🔄 97k retweets ✅ 261k likes  
\------------------------------------------------------------------

(last online: 2012)   
Rightful King of Asgard ▪️LOKI ✔

me You wanna know who's perfect?   
Read the first word again. 

\- - retweets - - likes  
[account not found] 

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(7 hours ago)   
Harley Keener ▪️Potatoboi 

You can't change the past   
But you can still fuck up your future! 

🔄 128k retweets ✅ 342k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(2015)  
Sam Wilson ▪️TheFalcon ✔

Not to be rude but who the fuck is the winter soldier and why is everyone sucking him off all a sudden

🔄 34k retweets ✅ 76k likes

↪️

(2015)  
Buckie?? ▪️WinterSoldier 

Excuse me but if someone was sucking me off I think I would know

\- - retweets - - likes  
[account not found] 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(28 seconds ago)   
Michelle Jones ▪️Motherfukinjones

Brad texted me "your adorable" I replied "no. YOU'RE adorable" I was correcting his typo, but now he thinks I like him

🔄 8k retweets ✅ 27k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(5 days ago)   
Peter Quill ▪️Star-Lord ✔

I need spongebobs energy   
that mf always ready for work 🙄

🔄 159k retweets ✅ 421k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(4 minutes ago)   
Flash Thompson ▪️FlashT

All I ask is that I marry someone who takes good pictures of me

🔄 19k retweets ✅ 34k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(7 seconds ago)   
Natasha Romanoff ▪️blackwidow ✔

Wow December already,, time flies when you've been drunk since march

🔄 18k retweets ✅ 95k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(59 seconds ago)  
Wade W Wilson • 💀💩L ✔

Due to financial reasons I will be passing away

🔄 88k retweets ✅ 100k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(4 years ago)   
Tony Stark ▪️ YouknowwhoIam ✔

[picture of Tony holding his newborn daughter] 

Peter: she's beautiful 

Doctor: we're gonna have to give her some shots

Harley: Oh hell yeah pour it up its her fuking birthday 

🔄 1.8m retweets ✅ 5.8m likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(5 hours ago)   
Spider-Man 🏳️🌈 ▪️ Bi-derman ✔

I like keeping my metabolism on its toes. What's it gonna be today, complete starvation or 4,000 calories!! 

🔄 101k retweets ✅ 222k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(15 hours ago)   
🅱️eter 🅱️arker ▪️Bestintern ✔

"u r so funny"   
Bro my life is a joke

🔄 617k retweets ✅ 864k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(5 minutes ago)   
Ned Leeds ▪️guyinthechair

My dad sure talks alot about hard work for someone who hasn't washed a plate since 2006

🔄 8k retweets ✅ 18k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(1 week ago)  
Sally Avril • Fruitsallyyummyyummy

Facetime lowest volume be loud af for no reason 

🔄 961 retweets ✅ 6k likes  
\------------------------------------------------------------------

(18 minutes ago)   
Tony Stark ▪️ YouknowwhoIam ✔

I know I'm supposed to drink 8 cups of water per day, but what usually happens is I drink 4 cups of coffee in half an hour and then have an anxiety attack and forget how to stay alive 

🔄 654k retweets ✅ 975k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(1 week ago)  
Bucky Barnes • Whitewolf 

Not to brag but I don't need alcohol to send texts I regret 😎

🔄 21k retweets ✅ 78k likes

\------------------------------------------------------------------

(59 seconds ago)   
Michelle Jones ▪️Motherfukinjones

People who say "go big or go home" seriously underestimate my willingness to go home  
Like, it's literally my only goal for most of the day

🔄 1k retweets ✅ 3.9k likes

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment thoughts and stuff uwu


End file.
